HomeBlogBoundariesChronicles of a (recovering) control freak: The Loyalty Games

Chronicles of a (recovering) control freak: The Loyalty Games


Have you ever found yourself in a position of blind loyalty to someone only to feel used or taken advantage of? Oh man, do have a story for you.

Obligation and misplaced loyalty have been a constant theme throughout my life. From a karmic perspective- it’s hilarious that I ended up joining the military- because it fits into my tendency to fall into the whole Obligation, obedience, and loyalty trap. When I pulled my Akashic Records a few years ago I discovered that I had a vow of obedience and other karmic patterns of loyalty and obligation. So for LIFETIMES I have played this ridiculous game.

Have you ever noticed that unspoken expectation of sticking together and being loyal to your “in” groups? “In” groups are groups of people that you have commonality with. This can be friends, family, sororities, coworkers, members of the same class or trade, etc. When I was younger there was a common saying, “Snitches get stitches” implying that we don’t turn on our own and stick together, but it applies in these other contexts as well.

I was fully involved with this whole loyalty nonsense for a long time. I was that reliable person that you called when you needed help and would show up for whatever you needed, even if you only called when you were in a bind. I checked all the boxes of the girl/woman I was “supposed” to be, with a side of sass and sarcasm. I was the one at work everyone went to, knowing I would get things done too. By the time I was in my mid-20s, I was burned out, exhausted, and had a whole lot of self-worth issues. Every time I felt taken advantage of, used, underappreciated, or taken for granted- I would tell myself stories about how I wasn’t enough for them to stick around or to value, or [insert made-up nonsense here].

After I did my Akashic Records I started seeing how entangled I was in loyalty and obligation, so I started working on pulling myself out of it and breaking the habits, but I never stopped to reflect on why I was doing it in the first place, so it left me a lot of pieces to find and clean up after I had already done the bulk of the healing work and changing my choices.

I was in conversation one day with someone who described themselves as “loyal as a dog with a bone” when I finally paused and thought through that. In the context they were using- it was that blind, full-faithed, unquestioning loyalty that I’m talking about and they also ended up feeling used and abused by others. Immediately, I noticed my face scrunching up in disgust and my body pulling away, not liking the word loyalty or the idea of it one bit. It was that moment that triggered me to look deeper at my reactions to loyalty, despite how much energy I had already put into breaking those patterns.

As I thought about it, I realized that obligation and loyalty come from this need to fit in, feel valued and appreciated, and give ourselves a sense of worth. Makes sense, doesn’t it?! As children, we were taught to do as we were told, meet others’ expectations, and behave in certain ways to get affection and praise- or avoid being chastised at least.

Here’s the catch-22 that I noticed. If we seek validation from others, we can’t fully accept it and it fades quickly, leading us to chase the next high through more obligations, loyalty, and expectations, always doing FOR others.

After I finally worked through my self-worth challenges I was able to embrace loyalty from a more cooperative and discerning space, keeping healthy boundaries in place, knowing when to say yes and when to say no, and started becoming more mindful of the balance within my relationships.

When it comes to loyalty, it’s easy to lose sight of yourself and stick around far beyond what is healthy for you. If you have struggled with this too, I’d love to hear your stories and how it’s impacted your life. Have you overcome it or are you still working on it? What groups have you found your loyalties to be blind and die-hard to?

You are welcome to set up a video call with me to talk it through! If you are done feeling used and ready to kick the die-hard loyalty and obligation to the curb and feel better about yourself, join me in a 6 month transformational journey. Schedule a free consultation call now and let’s chat!

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