You may remember in my Series introduction blog that I wrote: “Often one of the characteristics used to describe empaths and HSPs is the internalization or absorption of others’ emotions. However, I have come to know that this empath coping mechanism is not an inherent trait that comes with Empath or HSP gifts, but rather a learned coping mechanism from a young age in an attempt to understand and influence the environment you are in.”
In this article, I will dive deep into the empath coping mechanism of sponging, how it came to be, and how to transform it into something much more helpful. This is an insider’s look at one of the techniques I discuss and teach in my Empath Mastery courses and one-on-one coaching when working with Empaths and HSPs. Often, this coping mechanism is an underlying cause of becoming emotionally unavailable. If you aren’t yet over-guarded and detached, then this will often lead you to become that way.
Throw Away Your Sponge
I had a client a few years back who was a very strong empath and struggled with burnout. Every night before bed, she surrounded every family member with a golden bubble to help them manage their energy… even her cat. This was her way of managing her environment and stopping herself from absorbing all of their emotions.
Another client, also a strong empath, reached out to me because she struggled with overwhelm, low energy, and felt completely blocked and helpless. After her Akashic Records reading to kick off her Karmic Coaching Sessions, we discovered that taking on all of those emotions led her to pull away and isolate herself when she was burnt out. Instead of making her own choices, she got the opinions of others to avoid upsetting them. As we unraveled her Empath Survival Coping Mechanisms, she realized that she would feel others’ emotions and think they were her own. This created internal confusion, which led her to isolate and seek direction from others.
Each person has their own unique ways of sponging up others’ emotions and how it impacts them. Common issues include:
- Overwhelm and overstimulation (often leading to explosive anger or shutting down)
- Burnout or energy drain/low energy
- Avoidance strategies such as withdrawal, isolation, or escapism
- Challenges in identity, often impacting the sense of belonging or worth
- Feelings of victimization or helplessness
- Patterns of suffering or sacrifice, such as martyrdom or people-pleasing
- Codependency or enmeshment
Understanding the Empath Coping Mechanism
One of the biggest negative coping mechanisms that Empaths and HSPs adopt is what I call Sponging. This empath coping mechanism is when an Empath or HSP internalizes and absorbs other people’s emotions. The more I have dug into this strategy and worked with others who do it, the more I have found that this is typically related to one’s safety and belonging needs. Internalization attempts to create the illusion of control for the Empath/HSP so that they can do something about it and eliminate the feelings of discomfort that haunt them.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and Empath Coping Mechanisms
If you are a regular here, you have probably heard me talk about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and how unmet needs can cause all kinds of problems for us. This is no different; the only change is how it impacts the Empathic/HSP part of ourselves.
Within the hierarchy of needs is a pyramid, with the foundation being physical and biological needs. From there, it builds to safety, belonging, esteem, and then self-actualization. Most of us have no conscious idea what our needs are in each of these categories. Our unconscious has many strategies and coping mechanisms to ensure that they are met in the best way that we know how. Once we are aware of those negative mechanisms and why they are there, we can start to look for healthier ways to ensure that they are met.
Exploring Your Needs to Overcome Empath Coping Mechanisms
At this point, I invite you to start exploring those needs. Look at specific circumstances where you tend to absorb others’ emotions and ask yourself these questions:
- What do I need to feel safe?
- What do I need to feel like I belong?
- What do I need that would help me feel confident in myself and my ability to navigate this situation?
These needs are often intangible. You may feel like you need better communication, transparency, or safety in being allowed to disagree. If you are coming up with intangible answers, dive deeper and list the criteria. I often ask my clients, “If you had that, how would you know? What specifically would you see/observe/hear/do?”
Setting Boundaries and Practicing Allowance
Once you have that figured out, you can start creating red lines and boundaries around your interactions with others. Practice allowance and temperance, where you allow others to feel their feelings without needing to intervene. If they need help, let them ask you for it.
When learning to allow others to navigate their own emotions, it may be helpful to set energetic boundaries around what you allow into your awareness. Many Empaths have found the practice of shielding to be helpful. However, for it to be most effective, you need to set energetic boundaries for that shield.
Shielding Techniques for Empath Coping Mechanisms
Shielding involves creating an internal or imagined external visual shield around yourself. This prevents you from receiving or taking on energy, thoughts, or emotions that are not in your best interest. Many visualize a golden bubble surrounding them. Some use an external barrier such as the veiling technique. This is where a person wears a hat, scarf, or other head covering to act as the physical shield. However you decide to go about it, it is important to attach energetic boundaries to your shield with clear instructions to your unconscious mind on what is allowed within your awareness and what should be kept out.
Personally, my shield allows me to observe others’ emotions as if I am looking through a window. I can see and know that they’re there without needing to bring them into my energy field and risk becoming enmeshed. I also set boundaries around my shield so that I am not inundated with strangers’ emotions. It is set up so that only if it has a direct impact on myself or someone I care about am I informed of their feelings. This helps me navigate my daily life without being flooded with others’ emotions and still identify and focus on my own emotions.
If you want to explore this empath coping mechanism more in-depth, sign up for my Empath Mastery course series. I help you go from surviving to thriving. Learn helpful techniques and ditch old survival mechanisms that cause more harm than good.